Making new friends was never going to be easy. I had already decided to grasp every hand of friendship that was extended in my direction; I knew I would have to break out of my quiet British reserve and get out there to meet people. I wasn't going to be working; and daughter No 2 was at the age when she wouldn't want me hanging around the school gates chatting to the other parents, so how I was I going to meet people?
The gym perhaps? Do people talk to each other when they are running on the treadmill? No they stick in their earphones and get on with it. Obviously I was hopeful that I would get to meet the wives of Neil's work colleagues. After all it was a big project and there was a large team of mostly American and Saudi workers, with a few Brits stuck in for good luck. The new Health & Safety Manager and his wife (Canadians who had emigrated from the UK over 20 years ago) invited all the project team and their families for a welcoming BBQ. A great opportunity to get out there and make some new friends! The Saudi team members did not bring their wives or children - not totally unexpected - but neither did the Americans. These colleagues who had all been very quick to advise on housing, schools, doctors, dentists etc, were obviously not going to be quite so forthcoming on the social front. It was a great disappointment, but a valuable lesson learned. You soon realise in America that an abundance of "hi how ya'll doing"s and "have a nice day"s are not indicative of the beginnings of a lifelong friendship. Americans can and will talk to anybody about anything. You will have heard somebody's life history in the five minute wait for the pizza takeaway; they are certainly not backward about coming forward. But don't expect things to go any further. These are people with full and busy lives - they don't need any more friends - you do, and that's the difficult part.
It's not until you are "friendless" that you realise how much you rely on having familiar company around you; people you've known for years, people you have something in common with and you can chat effortlessly to about work, schools, kids, or even just the street where you live. You have history together. All of a sudden you have to start from new, so what do you talk about? The weather? Well the weather here is always the same so that's not going to grab anyone's attention. There's no salacious gossip to whisper about - you can't moan about the relatives, or a teacher, or a colleague because you don't know theirs and they don't know yours. There's no talking about last night's TV because with 400+ channels available every night there is very little likelihood that anybody's actually watched the same programme; current affairs and local politics are in another league; American sport - far too complicated to even think about joining in a conversation and sounding remotely intelligent.
So what do you do? Another of Neil's more sociable colleagues - a well-travelled American couple in their 60's, decided I needed taking under their wing. I was invited to go on a trip with a "Ladies Group" - I really should have known better - my mother is in a Ladies Group back in England and she is in her 80's. We went on a tour of the LA Metro system - actually a very useful introduction to the public transport system of LA; then came a tour of a Bhuddist Temple - not quite so useful but interesting all the same. But then came the coffee morning, and invitations to lunches, and there I floundered. I'm in a room full of elderly American ladies, all lovely of course, but where was the common ground? How could I sustain a meaningful conversation? I had no grandkids, I hadn't done a Caribbean cruise; as much as I wanted to "grasp the hand of friendship" I found myself politely declining invitations to play golf, join the bridge club, the sewing circle....
I'm shy, I'm British, I don't like being the centre of attention. I only needed a very small group of friends...there had to be another way to meet people. Volunteering. That was answer. Volunteering is huge in America and it's taken very seriously; I would find a voluntary job to fill my time and keep myself occupied. Neil took great pleasure in suggesting possibilities - volunteer administrators were being recruited by the local council - I could do for nothing what I had been paid to do back home! No way - if I was going to have to work for love not money then I was going to find something I enjoyed, and so I did. I found a "job" gardening.
I now have joined the ranks of America's great non-paid workforce and one morning a week I go and pull up weeds and dead head roses at the LA Arboretum. I see the same small group of people, week in week out, we lunch together; we have common ground; and the conversation flows quite easily. Yes of course my fellow volunteers are all retired, but I too have prematurely reached retirement age. I can no longer fool myself I'm a career girl on a sabbatical. I do wonder though, what do people my age do in America? Are they really all out at work? Surely not here in this affluent neighbourhood - I thought I would be surrounded by other "stay at home" moms and desperate housewives. So, where are they all? Perhaps they are all at the Country Club playing tennis, or at the spa, having a manicure, or are they stuck indoors, baking cookies? I'll let you know when I have found some, meanwhile, pass me my slippers, it's time to take my afternoon nap.....
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