Saturday, March 26, 2011

Dicing With Death

Dicing with death is an everyday occurrence here in Los Angeles and it’s all to do with traffic.

Anyone who follows this blog regularly (does anyone?) will already know that I don’t do traffic – I’ve been here nearly 18 months and I still make excuses not to drive on the freeway.  Out of town travelling across country I’m fine – here  there are empty roads, two lanes in each direction, it’s just like being back home on a dual carriageway, but around LA it’s a nightmare.  We live close to the 210 freeway which as it passes through Pasadena has a total of 7 lanes in both directions.   Most afternoons that's 14 lanes at a slow crawl; every Friday afternoon it’s 14 lanes at a standstill.

Downtown LA is even worse.   We don't drive into LA very often but going to reach the airport can take anything from 35 minutes in the middle of the day to over two hours at the height of the rush hour.

Los Angeles is a huge urban conurbation with a population in excess of 14 million people -  all of whom will have at least 3 cars. You don't have to have a great deal of imagination to know that the result is just going to be total chaos.

But it’s not just the sheer volume of traffic that is my bugbear – most of the freeway junctions look as if they have been designed by an architect  with a  spaghetti fettish. Roads twist and turn and intertwine.  Nine times out of ten you have to cross over traffic coming on at a junction in order to get off.  Exits and entrances tend to be ridiculously close together and of course there is the added hazard of that all American favourite – undertaking.  Despite what it says in the Highway Code, and I have read it, cars will hurtle past you on either side – there is total disregard for the "slower traffic on the inside lane" phenomenon.

But you don’t just take your life into your hands every time you get behind a steering wheel; being a pedestrian should actually carry a serious health warning! 

Jaywalking is illegal in Pasadena and I’ve heard that if caught in the act, you will get a hefty fine so you have no choice but to cross the road at the designated crosswalk. You would have thought this would be a safe option that should only enhance the walking experience - but remember this is America and the car is king so, naturally, a flashing "walk" sign here doesn't necessarily halt the flow of traffic.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had a near miss with a passing car on one of these crosswalks.  The trouble is, when the white "walk" light flashes for pedestrians to cross at major intersections, the green light will also be on for cars turning left or right into the street you are crossing – and a green light to an American is like a red flag to a bull.  They see it, they go - regardless.

There are a few - and just a few - junctions where the red light is on in all directions specifically for the benefit of those wishing to cross the road.  But even that doesn't ensure you wont get run over.  It's perfectly legal here for a car to make a right turn on a red light if there is no on-coming traffic.  So intent have drivers become at taking advantage of this opportunity to nip out that they have become completely oblivious to the waiting pedestrian.  You might as well be the invisible man for all the notice these drivers take of you.

You've only got a mere 20 seconds to cross a road that is six lanes wide but you can't even take a step off the sidewalk because there is already a car in your way determined to edge around that corner. It's absolute madness!

NEVER assume that just because the crosswalk sign is flashing for you to walk that it’s safe for you to do so.  I’ve never seen so many drivers with such blatant disregard for the plight of the pedestrian. Definitely a second class citizen out here.

The sooner  the price of fuel goes up the better, then some of these folks might actually start leaving their gas guzzling SUV's at home and realise that they can use their right leg for something other than the gas pedal and the brake.  It's a nice thought....but here in LA, pure fantasy I'm sure.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Catalina Island


It was time for another day out but rather than do a road trip we decided to take advantage of the fact that our teenage daughter was off on a theme park weekend with a school friend, so we took a boat trip to Catalina Island.

I had no idea before I came here that there were islands of the coast of California, but in fact there are 8 “Channel islands” and Catalina – Santa Catalina – is the biggest at approx 23 x 8 miles.  It’s a 22 miles  from Los Angeles and the crossing takes just over an hour on a Fast Cat.

I was very hopeful we might spot some whales on our trip.  This is the time of year when whales migrate northwards from Hawaii back to Alaska and they are supposed to be very easy to spot off the Californian Coast.  Last year we made the mistake of taking a whale watching trip on a rather blustery day and after two hours at sea being tossed up and down in a rather small boat, the teenager announced she was going to be throw up at the very moment 3 whales finally came into the view.  She spent the rest of the journey hanging over the back of boat, away from the view of the frolicking whales and has refused to set sail ever since (although she was quite happy to spend the weekend being tossed up and down on roller coasters at a theme park…..)

This time, taking no chances, I dosed myself up with sea sick tablets and we set forth across a mill pond. We did fly past something that could have been a whale, but as we approached Catalina it became apparent that this was dolphin territory.  They were everywhere.  Now presumably if you are one of the lucky 3,000 or so people who live on Catalina Island dolphins must be old hat, but if like me they are not something you see everyday then it really was one of those wow moments – wow, there’s a dolphin! Wow there’s another…and another….

Even as we stepped off the boat you could see them from the harbor – 5 or 6 at a time springing up out of the water.
 
Catalina is an absolute gem and if you ever get the chance to go there – do! The one and only town is the romantically named Avalon which has a distinctly Mediterranean feel. There isn’t a great deal to do but trek up the hills and take in the views but it’s a little piece of America where you can almost forget you are in America. There’s no commercialism - no McDonalds, no Subway, no Taco Bell; not even a Starbucks.  There are no cars – the locals drive around in golf carts which you can hire for $40 an hour and there are no big stores or high rise hotels. 
 
At the turn of the century Catalina was bought by William Wrigley of Wrigley’s spearmint gum fame.  He developed the island into a tourist destination during the 20’s and 30’s before the American military took over control of the island during the second world war.  In 1975 the Wrigley family donated 88% of the island to the Catalina Island Conservancy, a nonprofit corporation with a mission to "preserve and restore Catalina to its natural state in perpetuity so that future generations can continue to enjoy this unique part of California's heritage." And the conservancy has done a great job.  Catalina is extremely well preserved, totally unspoilt and undeveloped; a little haven of peace and tranquility that could be a million miles away from LA rather than just a mere 22.
 
I can imagine it must get pretty crowded in summer and there might well be a few “battles of the golf buggy” on Avalon’s tiny little roads, but over a light lunch of locally caught fish that had kindly hopped out of the crystal clear water onto my plate, I raised a glass of Californian Rose to Mr Wrigley and his family for having the foresight to preserve this beautiful spot for the enjoyment of everyone.

 







Friday, March 11, 2011

Sense of Humour Failure


It’s a well known fact that the British and the Americans do not share the same sense of humour – and never is that more apparent than when it comes to greetings cards.  You wouldn’t think something so simple could cause such a headache, but March is a particularly busy time for me on the birthday front and I need at least half a dozen cards for various members of the family. 

Last year, I was back in the UK for a week in February and having already sussed out that the American greeting card market left a lot to be desired, I purchased all my cards for the next couple of months whilst I was back home.  That’s almost like having an OCD in forward planning, but this year unfortunately I have no choice but to purchase my cards here.  If there was ever a time to become Martha Stewart and start home card making– this is it!

Shop bought cards seem to come in two categories –  those full of effusive OTT sentimental twaddle, or toilet humour.  There doesn’t seem to be an awful lot in between.

Cards for family members can’t just say Happy Birthday Dad, or Happy Birthday Mom – no they go  gushing on about how wonderful everyone is.  Of course I love everyone I’m sending a card to, but that doesn’t mean I want to send them a three page eulogy.  The alternative is the “Humorous” card – which really is not funny.  Trying to find a card you want to send to a friend or a more casual acquaintance is a total nightmare - most of the cards I find in the “Humorous” section I wouldn’t even send to my worst enemy – let alone someone I actually liked!

American card manufacturers seem to think sticking a picture of a wrinkly old person on a card will automatically have the recipient rolling around the floor laughing; I’ve seen cards that are blatantly ageist, sexist, racist and just downright revolting.  And as for those for sale under the category of “Humor for Her” does every woman approaching a 40th birthday want to be reminded she is entering the menopause? No! There are other things in life to look forward to rather than a “hot flash” (that’s a hot flush to us Brits – a  flash is something completely different!!)

American humour seems to extend to body parts and bodily functions only.  Anything else doesn’t appear to enter the realms of their imagination.

Sometimes, when there is absolutely nothing else to do, we find ourselves watching episodes of America’s Funniest Video's on TV – the US version of You’ve Been Framed.  We’ve been here long enough now to be able to correctly identify the winning home video from the final three - it’ll always be the one with the child going to toilet, or the dog doing something unmentionable.  Where’s good old Harry Hill when you need him!

And back to the card issue - birthday cards are just a very small portion of the American card market – there is a card for absolutely everything and every eventuality.  Valentine’s Day Cards – “Happy Valentines Day to My Grandad” what is that all about?  And then of course, St Patrick Day Cards – why? Yes sure send one to all your cousins back in Ireland if you have to but do the rest of us need one?  Americans seem to have adopted the Patron Saint of Ireland as their very own and yes – you will get wished a “happy St Patty’s Day” as you walk around town on March 17th. Houses that last month were adorned with Valentine Day flags and wreaths are now decked with vivid green shamrocks and those “lucky” Irish leprechauns are suddenly springing up everywhere. 

According to Wikipedia, St Patricks’ Day is “one of the leading days for consumption of alcohol in the United States, and is typically one of the busiest days of the year for bars and restaurants. Many people, regardless of ethnic background, wear green clothing and items. Traditionally, those who are caught not wearing green are pinched affectionately.”

Well anyone who pinches me “affectionately” will certainly get more than they bargained for – especially if they catch me just after I've spent a futile two hours in a greeting card shop.

Now where did I put that glue stick?





Thursday, March 3, 2011

Breaking News


Two or three times a week I head out on a morning walk.  This used to be a power walk but now it’s turned into more of a leisurely stroll – not because I've given up on my quest for fitness, but simply because there’s just far too much to see on route and it’s such valuable thinking time.  

This blog was born out of boredom – I wasn't brought up to be this desperate housewife with so much time on my hands. Yes it is a very useful way of letting off steam and letting everyone back home  know what I’ve been up to, recounting the joys and perils of life  here in LA. Sometimes I think nothing much happened this week, there's nothing interesting to report, but when I am out on my walks a random thought will pop into my head, and suddenly I’m inspired. Before I know it I’ve covered three miles and written six posts.

I have a very scenic route; I walk the last couple of residential roads before the terrain peters off into the mountains; it’s very quiet, the backdrop is beautiful and the houses expensive. It’s a very pleasant way to spend the first hour of the morning, but not the most exciting although I am always hopeful I might spot some of the local wildlife - a bear perhaps or at least a raccoon, but it’s usually just me and an assortment of Mexican gardeners. 

Occasionally I’ll pass another walker or a jogger, and since I’ve recently deviated my route further up into the foothills, I’ve started to see more dog walkers too.  This is very encouraging – most of the dogs down in town don’t get out for much of  a walk – most of them are carried under the arm or in a handbag.  It seems quite significant that as the houses have got larger  so has the size of the dog.

I did pass a mansion the other morning with a very large German Shepherd  dog prowling on the front drive – fortunately behind locked gates.  It was decided unfriendly despite the snazzy bandana around its neck, barking as I approached and baring very large pearly white teeth (dog orthodontics?).  The next day I took the same route and spotted this dog on its own out in the road.  At first glance it could have been a coyote, but then I recognised the red bandana and thought, no, too well dressed to be a coyote, so I decided not to take any chances and headed off down a side street.  That’s one good thing about modern midtown America – it’s all built on a grid.  Take a left, then left again and you’ll get back to wherever you originally came from.  It does make life a lot easier if somewhat predictable.
  
Of course the reason I'm telling you about this total non-event is that yes – it really is the most exciting thing that happened to me this week, but judging by local LA TV news standards, it is actually quite a newsworthy item. Recent headlines on the local morning news have included pet dog lost down storm drain, gust of wind blows over wheelie bin and bear stuck in a tree. I think “Stylishly attired guard dog threatens innocent power walker” seems to fit in quite nicely.

You may think I’m joking, but unfortunately I’m not.  On a day on when 145 people died in an earthquake in New Zealand the lead item on the local LA morning news was Justin Bieber’s haircut.

It's not me living in the bubble.