Of course luxury apartment living in Pasadena isn’t quite the same as camping out under the stars, but for some bizarre reason I had imagined we would be re-capturing the adventurous spirit of our lost youth by moving here. What I hadn’t taken into account was far from setting off exploring at every available opportunity, my daughter would be stuck in school and my husband would be stuck at his desk. Work does tend to get in the way of things.
A little social animal like me needs company, and being left at home to my own devices everyday whilst the others set off for school and work isn’t always as exciting as it sounds. Being an ex-pat wife might evoke the impression of one continuous giddy social whirl – coffee mornings, long lazy lunches, afternoon tea followed by a G&T on the lawn at six and clubhouse cocktails at nine. Dream on…..that colonial lifestyle is far removed from anything I’ve experienced over here. An ex-pat wife's days are often long, lonely and boring.
Playing second fiddle to someone else’s career does make you feel insignificant and slightly “surplus” to requirement. The unofficial HR term of "trailing spouse" only reiterates the feeling that you are little more than a piece of excess baggage following on behind. There must be a more complimentary name they could use - I like to think of myself as a "lovsuppar" (Loving Supportive Partner) or, even better a "Great Woman" - after all isn't there one of those behind every successful man?
Yet when my successful man comes home in the evening, filling me in on the trials and tribulations of his hard day's work, I realise that whatever I've done with my day it will never seem to match the excitement of his and I don't feel "great" at all. I do feel like that mousey little trailing spouse who has just come along for the ride. He's been up since four in the morning to take a conference call to China so how fascinating can I make the school run seem? Oh I drove to school like Lewis Hamilton; weaved in and out of the traffic; jumped a couple of red lights (actually that's not a bad account of how most of the other school moms get there!) How enthralling was my morning's gardening? Three hours of extreme weeding - it was like battling with triffids. And the grocery shopping? Well that's not going to captivate anyone.
When he comes home and checks his blackberry first before greeting me with a kiss, I remind him he couldn't do it without me and he tells me yes he could - he'd just have to pay someone else to do the ironing.....(he's joking of course - isn't he??)
I suppose it's just a question of adjusting to all this quality "me" time, using it wisely and creating a new niche for myself. My L2 visa means I can't officially work or undertake any form of job training; I already volunteer; so what else can I do with my time? I worry that I've gone from being this perfectly capable woman who held down a job, ran a home, looked after two kids and had a busy social life to this Stepford style wife filling her day with triva.
I do go to coffee and lunch with other ex-pats, I do spend time sat by the pool and yes I do take the occasional trip to the nail spa. Far from being a guilty pleasure, a pedicure has now become an absolute necessity - by the time I've walked to the salon and back, had my feet massaged and some beautiful design applied to my toes I've used up at least an hour of an otherwise empty day.
When you have so little going on in your life even the smallest of pleasures takes on a whole new significance.
Take the example of the travel kettle for instance. I've just booked a trip to the East Coast for our summer vacation, and fed up of staying in American hotels where they only ever give you a filter coffee maker I went on line and ordered a travel kettle from Amazon. Its arrival in the post caused great excitement - a small but perfectly formed bright red kettle which would enhance our vacation no end. Would my enthusiasm be shared? How impressive can I make the "one-click" purchase of a $30 travel kettle sound to a man who has spent all day negotiating an international sub-contract for a mega-million dollars worth of steel pipe?
So, how was your day darling?
Yet when my successful man comes home in the evening, filling me in on the trials and tribulations of his hard day's work, I realise that whatever I've done with my day it will never seem to match the excitement of his and I don't feel "great" at all. I do feel like that mousey little trailing spouse who has just come along for the ride. He's been up since four in the morning to take a conference call to China so how fascinating can I make the school run seem? Oh I drove to school like Lewis Hamilton; weaved in and out of the traffic; jumped a couple of red lights (actually that's not a bad account of how most of the other school moms get there!) How enthralling was my morning's gardening? Three hours of extreme weeding - it was like battling with triffids. And the grocery shopping? Well that's not going to captivate anyone.
When he comes home and checks his blackberry first before greeting me with a kiss, I remind him he couldn't do it without me and he tells me yes he could - he'd just have to pay someone else to do the ironing.....(he's joking of course - isn't he??)
I suppose it's just a question of adjusting to all this quality "me" time, using it wisely and creating a new niche for myself. My L2 visa means I can't officially work or undertake any form of job training; I already volunteer; so what else can I do with my time? I worry that I've gone from being this perfectly capable woman who held down a job, ran a home, looked after two kids and had a busy social life to this Stepford style wife filling her day with triva.
I do go to coffee and lunch with other ex-pats, I do spend time sat by the pool and yes I do take the occasional trip to the nail spa. Far from being a guilty pleasure, a pedicure has now become an absolute necessity - by the time I've walked to the salon and back, had my feet massaged and some beautiful design applied to my toes I've used up at least an hour of an otherwise empty day.
When you have so little going on in your life even the smallest of pleasures takes on a whole new significance.
Take the example of the travel kettle for instance. I've just booked a trip to the East Coast for our summer vacation, and fed up of staying in American hotels where they only ever give you a filter coffee maker I went on line and ordered a travel kettle from Amazon. Its arrival in the post caused great excitement - a small but perfectly formed bright red kettle which would enhance our vacation no end. Would my enthusiasm be shared? How impressive can I make the "one-click" purchase of a $30 travel kettle sound to a man who has spent all day negotiating an international sub-contract for a mega-million dollars worth of steel pipe?
So, how was your day darling?
Hi Rosie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I am sorry to hear you face employment/training limitations due to your visa type. This is tough.
I do not know if it makes you feel any better, but while I am here on a Green Card (I am married to an American) and have a right to work, after 70+ job applications (with 5+ years of work experience in Europe) I am still at home and feel myself very much like you described in your post.
It looks like it is not easy to get a job without previous US experience, something I wish I knew before moving here. So I find myself in the proverbial Catch 22 situation: "no experience and therefore no job and no job because you have no experience".
I feel myself exactly like you described in your blog and yet I wonder whether it is just the lack of job or lack of all other relationships and connections which are normally present in my life. As another expat blogger wrote elsewhere: "Who are you in a foreign country and who are them for you?" (or something to that effect).
Anyhow, I am being optimistic, push on with the job search and try to learn more about myself and about the things that I enjoy. I am also doing some volunteering and planning to sign up for an Italian language class. I have time now, so I might as well use it to do something I have not had the time to do before.
Looking forward to your next posts,
Katie