A Dog's Life

One thing it's very hard to avoid here in LA (and believe me I have tried) is the pampered pooch. They are everywhere - snapping at my ankles when I go for my morning walk, riding up in and down in the elevator at the apartment block where I live. An LA dog is not so much a pet as a fashion accessory. Everyone has one!

Personally,  I’ve always preferred cats.  Cats are my kind of animal – not the friendliest of creatures; they like being left to their own devices and are pretty contented with a regular supply of food, easy access to the great outdoors and somewhere warm to curl up and fall sleep.  A cat’s idea of loyalty extends no further than to whoever is opening up the next packet of Whiska’s. 

 

But dogs are different.  Dogs are loving, loyal creatures and even I can appreciate the company and enjoyment they bring to their owners. Occasionally I have this romantic idea of acquiring a canine companion of my own.  My dog would rush to greet me every day with a look of love, a wagging tail, a friendly bark; I picture us taking lovely long walks in the countryside; bounding through the park playing a game of fetch.  My dog would frolic happily on the beach, splash through the waves and spend every evening lying contentedly at my feet. That's my dog.

An LA dog is in a totally different league.

For a start, if you are a small dog, a Chihuahua or a Shihtzu type thing as most of them are, then you won’t have to walk anywhere.  You will be carried.  You might have to suffer the indignity of pink or blue ribbon in your hair, dependent upon your sex of course, and probably a little sweater or T-shirt, but generally speaking you will get to go everywhere with the master or the mistress, welcome or not, and you can yap and growl and bear your sharp pointy little white teeth as much as you like whilst everyone around you has to pretend you are amazingly cute – just because you are small.

You might occasionally have the urge to run around and chase a stick and feel the fresh green grass under your feet, but that’s not really very likely to happen.  Most of the day you will be housebound and the only time you will get taken out for a walk is to answer the call of the nature.  But that’ll be once around the block at the most.

Being a small dog and easily portable does have its advantages.  You will be able to go to the doggie boutique and choose your own clothes. You'll look gorgeous in Gucci.  If slightly too big to fit into the Prada handbag, you might be able to persuade your owner to invest in a pet stroller which will make visiting the mall a lot easier. Yes you might occasionally get mistaken for a human baby but don’t fret; as soon as your admirer realizes their mistake they will just coo and aah even more. Oh a dog…that’s so adorable (yes that’s your cue to bite their finger off).

If you are unlucky enough to have a master or mistress who is out at work all day, then suggest they book you into doggie-day-care.  It’ll be far more fun than being cooped up in an apartment. If you are left home alone, then don't panic I've found just the answer - you'll never have to chew on an old  slipper again.  Your owner can now download a computer game for you to play - yes I've just seen it advertised on TV - apps for pets or a blog for a dog or something similar  (and look how that's kept me occupied!)

When it comes to the evening meal, as an LA pooch you will be spoilt for choice.  None of that shop-bought Winalot for you! Ask your owners take a subscription to Everyday Rachel Ray magazine (Rachel Ray is a sort of American Nigella Lawson – but even more so). I was recently flicking through this mag at the Orthodontist and realized that Rachel does a super line in home cooked gourmet dog food – recipes for owners and their pets to share, up to table of course!

Unfortunately the major hazard of this super indulged pampered pooch lifestyle is that one day you might suddenly find yourself out of favour.  Fashions change.  One stain on the carpet too many; yet another trip to the vet and suddenly the Chihuahua is out of vogue.  Dogs are so last year, meet the micro-pig.

As for me, I’ll stick with my  cat – currently residing very happily with the in-laws back in the UK and un-eagerly awaiting my return.  I am slightly worried I might have a job winning her affections back when the time comes but hopefully regular portions of Rachel Ray's mouth watering Mexican bean and white fish stew and her own Twitter page will do the trick. Now there's an idea!