Grounded

Every now and then I just have to make a trip back home to the UK for a reality check.  I need to come back down to earth.

The trouble with living in LA is that after a while the surreal becomes the real.  I see a poodle in a pet stroller and rather than thinking that's so ridiculous I now tell myself that’s such a good idea, it is a bit of a long walk from the parking lot to the doggie boutique....

That’s not good.

So when the opportunity presents itself to check up on daughter No 1 and catch up with a few old friends I grab it. How refreshing it is to talk to people who sweep up their own leaves and wash their own cars.

I’m very lucky with my friends in the UK, they are happy to meet up at the drop of a hat as I breeze in and out of their lives every six months or so.   It’s a treat to go out for a meal and still be in the restaurant at 11 at night and a positive joy to be able to round up the bill to the nearest big number rather than have to worry that I’ve insulted the waiter by not leaving the correct tip.

Everyone always wants to know what I like best about living in America - well the most obvious and  easy answer is the Californian weather, and having the opportunity to travel of course.  The more difficult question is what don't I like about living in America, to which I normally respond how long have you got?  The traffic is a justifiable dislike, not just the gridlock and total congestion but the twelve lane freeways that are total deathtraps.  I can also have a good moan about the constant bombardment of commercialism and the crassness of American TV, where every programme appears to be aimed at an audience with a brain the size of a pea. 

What is more difficult is trying to explain my own personal incompatibility with all things American without sounding like an ungrateful misery, but as a logical and intelligent woman it is becoming increasingly hard to reconcile myself to living in a society that is so devoid of common sense.

Just this week US Congress announced that a slice of pizza can be officially classed as a vegetable because it contains more than two tablespoonfuls of tomato paste.  As such, of course, it can now safely remain on school dinner menus and presumably be considered as one of our five a day. Apart from the fact that I always thought a tomato was a fruit, if this isn’t a case of protecting the interests of the food production industry at the expense  the nation's health I don’t know what is.  And Americans wonder why the rest of the world thinks they're all stupid.

Of course the other issue which always intrigues my friends back in the UK is what exactly do I do all day and this is a question I constantly ask myself too.  How they envy my lazy luxurious lifestyle of relaxing by the pool, the coffee mornings, those long lunches and pottering around a rose garden once a week.  And yet how I envy them with their busy active lives, juggling jobs, running homes and organising their kids. Yes that too used to be me. 

Now I’m just this desperate housewife whose intellectual highlight of the week is penning a rather sarky blog. 

So to all my friends and family back home I’d just like to say thank you so much the welcome dose of humour, the regular supply of sanity pills, and for keeping my feet quite firmly on the ground.

Thank you too for reminding me how lucky am I to have the opportunity to experience life on another planet.  Beam me back up Scottie - I've got some of those new-fangled vegetable seeds to sow.  Does anyone know how long a pizza plant takes to grow?